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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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DirecTV Launching Channel For Dogs

Satellite service provider DirecTV announced this week that beginning in August, the network will broadcast DogTV, a subscription-based channel with 24-hour programming for canines including short segments of green fields, doorbells, vacuum cleaners, and other stimuli. What do you think?

  • “I don’t know. My dog has a pretty short attention span.”

    Ted Kroopf Systems Analyst
  • “Do they have anything for turtles? Because mine always looks bored as hell.”

    Jessica Mitchell Lace Separator
  • “Now I know who that channel is for, but I doubt I’ll enjoy it any less.”

    Robert Hauser Gelatin Maker
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