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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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DirecTV Launching Channel For Dogs

Satellite service provider DirecTV announced this week that beginning in August, the network will broadcast DogTV, a subscription-based channel with 24-hour programming for canines including short segments of green fields, doorbells, vacuum cleaners, and other stimuli. What do you think?

  • “I don’t know. My dog has a pretty short attention span.”

    Ted Kroopf Systems Analyst
  • “Do they have anything for turtles? Because mine always looks bored as hell.”

    Jessica Mitchell Lace Separator
  • “Now I know who that channel is for, but I doubt I’ll enjoy it any less.”

    Robert Hauser Gelatin Maker
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