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DirecTV Launching Channel For Dogs

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

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CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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DirecTV Launching Channel For Dogs

Satellite service provider DirecTV announced this week that beginning in August, the network will broadcast DogTV, a subscription-based channel with 24-hour programming for canines including short segments of green fields, doorbells, vacuum cleaners, and other stimuli. What do you think?

  • “I don’t know. My dog has a pretty short attention span.”

    Ted Kroopf Systems Analyst
  • “Do they have anything for turtles? Because mine always looks bored as hell.”

    Jessica Mitchell Lace Separator
  • “Now I know who that channel is for, but I doubt I’ll enjoy it any less.”

    Robert Hauser Gelatin Maker

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