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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Disabled, Sewage-Laden Cruise Ship Returns To Port

Since an engine fire Sunday, the 4,200 people aboard the Carnival cruise ship Triumph have gone without electricity, waited hours in line for food, and endured raw sewage in rooms and on deck, prompting the company to offer reimbursements, $500 in cash, and a credit for a future cruise. What do you think?

  • “Aw, man, all I got was Legionnaire’s Disease on my cruise.”

    Alfredo Mancini Wiring Inspector
  • “On the bright side, I bet more than a few people had their scatological fantasies unexpectedly satisfied.”

    Ernie Biggart Systems Analyst
  • “But did everyone have fun?”

    Sharon Kissick Laryngologist

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