Disabled, Sewage-Laden Cruise Ship Returns To Port

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Disabled, Sewage-Laden Cruise Ship Returns To Port

Since an engine fire Sunday, the 4,200 people aboard the Carnival cruise ship Triumph have gone without electricity, waited hours in line for food, and endured raw sewage in rooms and on deck, prompting the company to offer reimbursements, $500 in cash, and a credit for a future cruise. What do you think?

  • “Aw, man, all I got was Legionnaire’s Disease on my cruise.”

    Alfredo Mancini
    Wiring Inspector
  • “On the bright side, I bet more than a few people had their scatological fantasies unexpectedly satisfied.”

    Ernie Biggart
    Systems Analyst
  • “But did everyone have fun?”

    Sharon Kissick
    Laryngologist