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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Disgraced Congressman Weiner Weighing NYC Mayoral Run

Former Democratic congressman Anthony Weiner of New York, who resigned from office in 2011 after accidentally sharing a photograph of a visible erection in his underwear on Twitter, has said he is considering running for New York City mayor this year. What do you think?

  • “Let he who hath not tweeted a picture of his erect penis cast the first stone.”

    Vic Orsatti Herbarium Curator
  • “He should show he has a sense of humor about the whole scandal by announcing his run while fully erect.”

    Sybil Lykins Accident Report Clerk
  • “I fail to see the humor in all of this. Oh, wait. Now I get it.”

    Elliot Colean Fire Eater

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