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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Disney Bans Junk Food Ads

The Walt Disney Co. announced it would no longer run advertisements during children’s programs for foods it considers unhealthy. What do you think?

  • “I don't like the idea of the corporation that's raising my kid telling me how to raise my kid.”

    Orianna Gordon Unemployed
  • “It’s in their best interest to keep Disney fans thin to save on repairing amusement park rides.”

    LeVonn Berryman Third Helper
  • “Now we just need to get Hannah Montana to stop smoking Pall Malls.”

    Ben Whitworth Motor Polarizer

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