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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Disney Raises Theme Park Admission

The Walt Disney Company announced the cost of a one-day pass to Disneyland had risen from $76 to $80, the second price increase in a year. What do you think?

  • "At $80, they're sure to attract a better class of family."

    Claudia Harrington Genealogist
  • "Hopefully that’ll finally keep that Make-a-Wish riffraff to a minimum."

    Ben Jabour Systems Analyst
  • "Oh my God! I have $80 left in my checking account and I only have one more day to live. What are the odds?"

    Kurt Butler Unemployed

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