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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Disney Shutters Miramax

The Walt Disney Company is closing down its indie-film arm Miramax, the home of such films as The Piano and Pulp Fiction. What do you think?
  • "That's good. I always thought it was bullshit that Disney got to hide behind Miramax every time they wanted to release a violent movie where Mickey beats the shit out of Pluto."

    Kevin Markoe Systems Analyst
  • "Thank God. It was always so boring sitting through that four-second logo at the beginning of movies. It just said 'Miramax'—no lion, no mountain, no kid fishing from the moon, no nothing."

    Ruth Downey Operations Clerk
  • "Is there anything that Boondock Saints guy touched that didn’t get ruined?"

    Nick Elliott Golf Cart Mechanic
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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