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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Disney To Debut New Mickey Mouse Cartoons

A new series of 19 animated shorts featuring 85-year-old Disney icon Mickey Mouse, which will be set in modern-day versions of New York, Paris, Beijing, and other locales, is slated to premiere on the Disney Channel in late June. What do you think?

  • “That’s uncanny. Just the other day I was thinking, ‘I wish that everything created prior to 10 years ago had a more modern sensibility.’”

    Tessa Mitchell Kick Press Operator
  • “About time. All I hear from my kids is, ‘We want Mickey Mouse! We want Little Lulu! We want Sluggo and Nancy!’”

    Paul Featherstone Dental Ceramist
  • “Oh, I can’t wait to see what Mickey’s been up to! I’m hoping a ton of mild adventures and a fair share of harmless hijinks.”

    Albert Lobb Prospecting Driller

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