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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Disney To Debut New Mickey Mouse Cartoons

A new series of 19 animated shorts featuring 85-year-old Disney icon Mickey Mouse, which will be set in modern-day versions of New York, Paris, Beijing, and other locales, is slated to premiere on the Disney Channel in late June. What do you think?

  • “That’s uncanny. Just the other day I was thinking, ‘I wish that everything created prior to 10 years ago had a more modern sensibility.’”

    Tessa Mitchell Kick Press Operator
  • “About time. All I hear from my kids is, ‘We want Mickey Mouse! We want Little Lulu! We want Sluggo and Nancy!’”

    Paul Featherstone Dental Ceramist
  • “Oh, I can’t wait to see what Mickey’s been up to! I’m hoping a ton of mild adventures and a fair share of harmless hijinks.”

    Albert Lobb Prospecting Driller

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