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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
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Disney To Debut New Mickey Mouse Cartoons

A new series of 19 animated shorts featuring 85-year-old Disney icon Mickey Mouse, which will be set in modern-day versions of New York, Paris, Beijing, and other locales, is slated to premiere on the Disney Channel in late June. What do you think?

  • “That’s uncanny. Just the other day I was thinking, ‘I wish that everything created prior to 10 years ago had a more modern sensibility.’”

    Tessa Mitchell Kick Press Operator
  • “About time. All I hear from my kids is, ‘We want Mickey Mouse! We want Little Lulu! We want Sluggo and Nancy!’”

    Paul Featherstone Dental Ceramist
  • “Oh, I can’t wait to see what Mickey’s been up to! I’m hoping a ton of mild adventures and a fair share of harmless hijinks.”

    Albert Lobb Prospecting Driller
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