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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Disney World Visitors Contract Mystery Illness

Since June, several dozen visitors to Walt Disney World’s Wild Africa Trek in Florida have been sickened by an unknown illness that causes flu-like symptoms, including nausea, fatigue, and diarrhea. What do you think?

  • “Flu-like? If I’m paying for a true African experience I better be getting some malaria-like or sickle-cell-type symptoms.”

    Scott Dube Unemployed
  • “That’s why I never let my kids stray beyond the sanitary confines of Epcot’s Norway Pavilion.”

    Gordon Julow Dehydrating-Press Operator
  • “Uh-oh. They didn’t accidentally touch Goofy, did they?”

    Ralph Borja Harbor Master

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