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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Disney World Visitors Contract Mystery Illness

Since June, several dozen visitors to Walt Disney World’s Wild Africa Trek in Florida have been sickened by an unknown illness that causes flu-like symptoms, including nausea, fatigue, and diarrhea. What do you think?

  • “Flu-like? If I’m paying for a true African experience I better be getting some malaria-like or sickle-cell-type symptoms.”

    Scott Dube Unemployed
  • “That’s why I never let my kids stray beyond the sanitary confines of Epcot’s Norway Pavilion.”

    Gordon Julow Dehydrating-Press Operator
  • “Uh-oh. They didn’t accidentally touch Goofy, did they?”

    Ralph Borja Harbor Master

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