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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Disneyland Measles Outbreak Linked To Anti-Vaccine Movement

The California Department of Public Health has linked more than two dozen measles cases to visits to Disneyland in December, with most affecting young people who were not vaccinated, leading experts to believe the outbreak is linked to the growing anti-vaccination movement among parents. What do you think?

  • “That’s one of the fastest turnarounds I’ve seen from best parent in the world to worst parent in the world.”

    George Millen Chair Assembler
  • “To be fair to the parents, no one could have predicted that neglecting to immunize people against diseases would lead to more people getting diseases.”

    Zach Gray Auctioneer
  • “Great. I’ve been looking for a reason to not take my children to Disneyland.”

    Kathleen Byers Communications Manager

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