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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Disneyland Measles Outbreak Linked To Anti-Vaccine Movement

The California Department of Public Health has linked more than two dozen measles cases to visits to Disneyland in December, with most affecting young people who were not vaccinated, leading experts to believe the outbreak is linked to the growing anti-vaccination movement among parents. What do you think?

  • “That’s one of the fastest turnarounds I’ve seen from best parent in the world to worst parent in the world.”

    George Millen Chair Assembler
  • “To be fair to the parents, no one could have predicted that neglecting to immunize people against diseases would lead to more people getting diseases.”

    Zach Gray Auctioneer
  • “Great. I’ve been looking for a reason to not take my children to Disneyland.”

    Kathleen Byers Communications Manager
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