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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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DMX To Fight George Zimmerman In Boxing Match

Although an official contract has yet to be signed, representatives for rapper DMX and former Florida neighborhood watchman George Zimmerman have confirmed that the two are negotiating with a celebrity boxing promoter to fight each other in a three-round pay-per-view match. What do you think?

  • “So the healing process begins.”

    Roger Gauthier Unemployed
  • “Here’s hoping we gain the same sense of closure and justice as when Screech fought Horshack.”

    Sam Berthiaume Wax Figure Sculptor
  • “I hope Downton Abbey isn’t on at the same time.”

    Judy Rowsell Nurse Practitioner

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