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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Do Toning Shoes Really Work?

A study by the University of Wisconsin–La Crosse suggests that toning shoes—special exercise shoes with rounded bottoms—provide no benefit over regular shoes. What do you think?

  • "Yeah, if you really want a workout you need the shoes with the concave bottoms that stick to the floor like suction cups with every step."

    Bruce Johnston Substance Abuse Counselor
  • "As an early investor, I'd beg to differ."

    Paul White Investor
  • "Oh, I didn't even realize they promised health benefits. I just love the way those rounded bottoms look on my heels."

    Carmella Edwards Night Manager

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