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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Do Toning Shoes Really Work?

A study by the University of Wisconsin–La Crosse suggests that toning shoes—special exercise shoes with rounded bottoms—provide no benefit over regular shoes. What do you think?

  • "Yeah, if you really want a workout you need the shoes with the concave bottoms that stick to the floor like suction cups with every step."

    Bruce Johnston Substance Abuse Counselor
  • "As an early investor, I'd beg to differ."

    Paul White Investor
  • "Oh, I didn't even realize they promised health benefits. I just love the way those rounded bottoms look on my heels."

    Carmella Edwards Night Manager

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