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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Doctor Creates Feces Pills To Treat Illness

A Canadian doctor has treated 27 patients suffering from Clostridium difficile infections by giving them each between 24 and 30 handmade pills containing stool from one of their healthy relatives, curing each patient of their illness. What do you think?

  • “I don’t need the capsule. Just give me the feces.”

    Manuel White Technical Writer
  • “I could see eating 20, maybe 22 feces-filled pills. But 24? Gross.”

    Dana Masterson Systems Analyst
  • “Did Jerry put you up to this? Because he’s been trying to trick me into eating his shit for months.”

    Lyndell Thirlwell Drying Oven Tender

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