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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Does Iran Pose A Threat?

While Iran did free the British sailors it detained last month, the country is still threatening to restart its nuclear program. What do you think?
  • "So a country in the Mideast has been acting irrationally? I guess that's news."

    Kenneth Ridener Systems Analyst
  • "Like it or not, the time to stop this is right now, before we're forced to restore the Soviet Union and beat them at hockey again."

    Donald Stiles Tax Examiner
  • "Remember the good old days when Iran and Iraq were always at war with each other, and nobody else gave a shit who won or lost?"

    Brenda Stearns Archivist
  • "As the manager of the long-forgotten '80s sensation A Flock Of Seagulls, this can only be good for me."

    Alfredo Mireles Cook
  • "Show me where the U.N. charter states that sovereign nations have the right to behave like the U.S."

    Jeffrey Eubanks Truck Driver
  • "Should we take action against Iran? We just liberated them. Check your facts before asking stupid questions."

    Karla Finik Hairdresser

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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