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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Dog Cloning

Last week, the South Koreans became the first to clone a dog, reigniting a longstanding ethical debate. What do you think?
  • "This is a crucial breakthrough, as it's nearly impossible to get two dogs to fuck anymore."

    Gary Burch Purchasing Agent
  • "I heard that cloned dog is highly unstable. Supposedly, if you pet it, its head'll, like, blow up."

    Kim Casarez Assessor
  • "As a Christian fundamentalist with a literal stance toward interpreting Scripture, I can't help but think that this could have saved Noah a lot of deck space."

    Dede Greenwald NA Counselor
  • "Did they rip the dog in two? Because that's how I cloned my starfish."

    Joshua Green Pile-Driver Operator
  • "The terrifying world of the future turns out to be pretty friggin' cute. Puppy! Puppy!"

    Bulah Albers Systems Analyst
  • "I'm not sure what I think about the Koreans cloning a dog, but I'm pretty sure I know what my hateful loudmouth racist of a neighbor's gonna say."

    Mark Golin Watchmaker

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