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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Dog Cloning

Last week, the South Koreans became the first to clone a dog, reigniting a longstanding ethical debate. What do you think?
  • "This is a crucial breakthrough, as it's nearly impossible to get two dogs to fuck anymore."

    Gary Burch Purchasing Agent
  • "I heard that cloned dog is highly unstable. Supposedly, if you pet it, its head'll, like, blow up."

    Kim Casarez Assessor
  • "As a Christian fundamentalist with a literal stance toward interpreting Scripture, I can't help but think that this could have saved Noah a lot of deck space."

    Dede Greenwald NA Counselor
  • "Did they rip the dog in two? Because that's how I cloned my starfish."

    Joshua Green Pile-Driver Operator
  • "The terrifying world of the future turns out to be pretty friggin' cute. Puppy! Puppy!"

    Bulah Albers Systems Analyst
  • "I'm not sure what I think about the Koreans cloning a dog, but I'm pretty sure I know what my hateful loudmouth racist of a neighbor's gonna say."

    Mark Golin Watchmaker
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