Dog Cloning

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Vol 41 Issue 32

CAFTA Provisions

President Bush recently signed the Central American Free Trade Agreement. What are some of the provisions?

Al-Qaeda Sitcom Filmed Before Live Studio Hostages

AL BHURBAN'Q, AFGHANISTAN—Filming of the second season of al-Qaeda's surprise hit situation comedy Ba'athtime For Abdul will take place before live studio hostages. "We shall not rest until the vassals of the Great Satan know what it is to live, love, and learn as a member of al-Qaeda," said a spokesman for the show, who assured fans that the laugh- and scream-tracks would not be sweetened in post-production. The videotaped statement, like the episodes of the show itself, was delivered to Al-Jazeera's Afghanistan headquarters in a plain box containing the tape and three severed heads of studio hostages.

Joe Wilson Getting Bored With No-Longer-Covert Wife

WASHINGTON, DC—Former ambassador Joe Wilson reports that he is "becoming disenchanted" with CIA agent Valerie Plame, since her identity was divulged to reporters in 2002. "I still love her, I suppose," Wilson said. "But I used to be the only one who knew her secret." Contributing to his sense of dissatisfaction, Wilson said, is Plame's newfound interest in public displays of affection, her habit of calling him from work, and her fear of violent reprisals from undercover Middle Eastern assassins.

Entertainment-History Buffs Re-Enact Battle Of The Network Stars

SAN BERNADINO, CA—Entertainment historians from across the country gathered Sunday on a field near Hollywood to recreate the original 1976 Battle of the Network Stars. "We dedicate our re-enactment to the brave souls who fought it," said Network TV Historical Society co-founder and insurance-claims adjuster Drew Kamen, who played the part of CBS team wiseacre Jimmie Walker in this weekend's event. "Let us never forget the pivotal foot race between CBS's Robert Conrad and ABC's Gabe Kaplan." Kamen, like the other re-enactors, wore exact replicas of the striped tube socks and nylon running shorts used in the original battle.

'Humor In Uniform' Submissions At All-Time Low

PLEASANTVILLE, NY—Reader's Digest editors reported Monday that submissions to their "Humor In Uniform" feature have fallen off sharply since 2001. "The submissions that are trickling in are just not making me laugh," said Jackie Leo, an editor at the magazine. "I'm looking for amusing send-ups of peeling potatoes on KP duty, not another vignette about a soldier waking up screaming because he accidentally shot a pregnant Iraqi woman." Leo said she almost published one soldier's story about being financially devastated by shrinking veteran benefits "just to help him out with the $300 publication fee, but it just wasn't funny enough."

Why Somebody Always Around Every Time I Drop My Baby?

If people wanna think I'm, like, abusive or whatever, that's their problem. 'Cause I know I'm a good mom, and that's all that matters. But damn, yo, I better not have Social Services on my ass just 'cause I dropped Liondrae at Dollar City today. After it happened, some stock guy and some uptight-looking bitch were looking at me and I was like, "What the fuck are you looking at?" You could tell they were the judging type, and I don't want no cops at my door just 'cause some people think they better than me.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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Dog Cloning

Last week, the South Koreans became the first to clone a dog, reigniting a longstanding ethical debate. What do you think?
  • "This is a crucial breakthrough, as it's nearly impossible to get two dogs to fuck anymore."

    Gary Burch
    Purchasing Agent
  • "I heard that cloned dog is highly unstable. Supposedly, if you pet it, its head'll, like, blow up."

    Kim Casarez
    Assessor
  • "As a Christian fundamentalist with a literal stance toward interpreting Scripture, I can't help but think that this could have saved Noah a lot of deck space."

    Dede Greenwald
    NA Counselor
  • "Did they rip the dog in two? Because that's how I cloned my starfish."

    Joshua Green
    Pile-Driver Operator
  • "The terrifying world of the future turns out to be pretty friggin' cute. Puppy! Puppy!"

    Bulah Albers
    Systems Analyst
  • "I'm not sure what I think about the Koreans cloning a dog, but I'm pretty sure I know what my hateful loudmouth racist of a neighbor's gonna say."

    Mark Golin
    Watchmaker
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