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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Dog Owners Have Healthier Hearts

The American Heart Association officially announced that people who owned pets, particularly dogs, appeared to have a reduced risk of heart disease and had better survival rates than those without pets. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, yeah. Just make a dog in pill form and give me a prescription.”

    Claude Wessel Pipeline Laborer
  • “Now I wish I hadn’t put Ranger down.”

    Zoe Umansky Hoop Coiler
  • “They’re very calming. I’m usually asleep within two minutes of seeing a dog.”

    Bruno Valton Wort Extracter

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