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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Dog Owners Have Healthier Hearts

The American Heart Association officially announced that people who owned pets, particularly dogs, appeared to have a reduced risk of heart disease and had better survival rates than those without pets. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, yeah. Just make a dog in pill form and give me a prescription.”

    Claude Wessel Pipeline Laborer
  • “Now I wish I hadn’t put Ranger down.”

    Zoe Umansky Hoop Coiler
  • “They’re very calming. I’m usually asleep within two minutes of seeing a dog.”

    Bruno Valton Wort Extracter

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