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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Dogs Domesticated Earlier Than Thought

The discovery of a jawbone in a Siberian cave may indicate the domestication of dogs took place 30,000 years ago, 16,000 years earlier than previously thought. What do you think?

  • "Those dogs must have had some really stupid names."

    Darren Landmark Systems Analyst
  • "Siberia can have its dogs and its caves. Cats and pyramids in Egypt is what I'm talking about."

    Alice Peters Unemployed
  • "So, by my calculations, that makes 200,756 more sobbing sons who watched as their dads put the old boys down."

    Devin Coombs Plant Guide

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