adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Dogs Get Separation Anxiety When Kids Leave For School

According to new research, dogs who are used to being around kids during the summer can get separation anxiety when the children go back to school, which experts say can be avoided by having kids run through their school routines ahead of time. What do you think?

  • “Going back to school is hard enough for kids, but knowing they’re also breaking their dog’s heart should definitely ease the transition.”

    Dennis Prescott Bucket Stacker
  • “Did the researchers have any other tips for how you can completely rearrange your life to suit your dog’s neuroses?”

    Marilyn Cooper Lab Coat Designer
  • “Well, I guess that’s as good a reason to homeschool as any.”

    Michael Heller Sandwich Artisan

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close