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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Dogs Get Separation Anxiety When Kids Leave For School

According to new research, dogs who are used to being around kids during the summer can get separation anxiety when the children go back to school, which experts say can be avoided by having kids run through their school routines ahead of time. What do you think?

  • “Going back to school is hard enough for kids, but knowing they’re also breaking their dog’s heart should definitely ease the transition.”

    Dennis Prescott Bucket Stacker
  • “Did the researchers have any other tips for how you can completely rearrange your life to suit your dog’s neuroses?”

    Marilyn Cooper Lab Coat Designer
  • “Well, I guess that’s as good a reason to homeschool as any.”

    Michael Heller Sandwich Artisan

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