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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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D.O.J. Investigates Self

The Justice Department is opening a probe to investigate its own use of wiretapping and warrantless surveillance. What do you think?
  • "Is that wiretapping stuff still going on? I thought that was last year. I remember I was so outraged about that."

    Jill Beckett Bellhop
  • "Gonzalez is taking this very seriously. He personally promoted top- notch D.O.J. janitor Phil Nugs to Inspector General just to lead this probe."

    Stephen Varney Systems Analyst
  • "There's a good chance they'll catch themselves red-handed here."

    Brendon Gaines Projectionist

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