adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Dolphins And The Military

In a move that has outraged many animal-rights activists, the U.S. Navy is using dolphins to find underwater mines in Iraqi harbors. What do you think?
  • "It's one thing to put human lives at risk in a war, but dolphins? That's just unconscionable."

    Arthur Bond Systems Analyst
  • "I support the U.S. dolphin military program. For many dolphins, the G.I. Bill is the only way they can afford college."

    George Goff Auto Mechanic
  • "As someone who wore a T-shirt with a dolphin on it almost every day in fourth grade, I find this development troubling. My nickname in school was 'fishshirt.'"

    Dorothea Klapp Graphic Designer
  • "I gave up canned tuna for the dolphins, and now they're just blowing them to shit?"

    Melvin Adams Electrician
  • "Sure, they'll tell you about the success of the Navy dolphins, but will they tell you about the 10,000-dolphin protest in Chicago last weekend?"

    Eleanor Reese Painter
  • "This is the military. We should be amazed they're not using baby chicks."

    Dan Mora Civil Engineer

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close