Dolphins And The Military

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Vol 39 Issue 12

Government No Longer Even Bothering To Hide Halliburton Favors

WASHINGTON, DC—With last week's announcement that it will award Halliburton a lucrative contract to put out Iraqi oil-well fires after the war, the U.S. government has officially stopped trying to hide its favoritism toward the Houston-based company. "When we first started cutting Halliburton sweetheart deals, we'd worry about how it would look, with Dick Cheney being their former CEO and all," White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said. "Somewhere along the line, though, we just kind of said, 'Ah, fuck it.'" Fleischer added that Halliburton has something "real juicy" coming its way when the U.S. invades Iran in July 2004.

Second-Grade Class Has No Questions For Visiting Local Historian

KENOSHA, WI—Roberta Litt's second-graders at LaFollette Elementary School failed to come up with a single question for visiting local historian Elmer Rasmussen Tuesday. "Come on, folks," said Litt, scolding her class. "Mr. Rasmussen was nice enough to come all the way down here today to tell us about immigrant-farmstead life in the 19th century. I find it hard to believe that not one of you has a question." Following an uncomfortable two minutes of silence, Litt ordered the children to put their heads down on their desks for the remainder of the period.

I've Got Oscar (And War) Fever!

Item! There's only one story on the minds of people across this great nation right now: the 75th anniversary Academy Awards. And Jackie Harvey was right there in the front row... of his living room! I know there are people out there who say there are more important things to worry about in these troubled times. Well, what better way to forget your troubles than with a fabulous awards ceremony?

Celine In Las Vegas

Celine Dion recently began a three-year, $100 million engagement at Caesars Colosseum, a theater built specifically for her.

Hellmann's Heir's Conduct Unbefitting A Mayonnaise Magnate

NEW YORK—Jake Hellmann, 19, whose rowdy nightclub exploits have made him a tabloid staple, has behaved in a manner unbefitting his stature as heir to the Hellmann's mayonnaise throne, family sources reported Tuesday. "When one is fortunate enough to the carry the name of America's most popular mayonnaise, one does not spend every night getting drunk and partying with models," said his great uncle Oliver Hellmann, 79. "Clearly, young Jake is not yet ready to accept the enormous responsibility that comes with being a mayo magnate."
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Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Dolphins And The Military

In a move that has outraged many animal-rights activists, the U.S. Navy is using dolphins to find underwater mines in Iraqi harbors. What do you think?
  • "It's one thing to put human lives at risk in a war, but dolphins? That's just unconscionable."

    Arthur Bond
    Systems Analyst
  • "I support the U.S. dolphin military program. For many dolphins, the G.I. Bill is the only way they can afford college."

    George Goff
    Auto Mechanic
  • "As someone who wore a T-shirt with a dolphin on it almost every day in fourth grade, I find this development troubling. My nickname in school was 'fishshirt.'"

    Dorothea Klapp
    Graphic Designer
  • "I gave up canned tuna for the dolphins, and now they're just blowing them to shit?"

    Melvin Adams
    Electrician
  • "Sure, they'll tell you about the success of the Navy dolphins, but will they tell you about the 10,000-dolphin protest in Chicago last weekend?"

    Eleanor Reese
    Painter
  • "This is the military. We should be amazed they're not using baby chicks."

    Dan Mora
    Civil Engineer
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