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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Dolphins And The Military

In a move that has outraged many animal-rights activists, the U.S. Navy is using dolphins to find underwater mines in Iraqi harbors. What do you think?
  • "It's one thing to put human lives at risk in a war, but dolphins? That's just unconscionable."

    Arthur Bond Systems Analyst
  • "I support the U.S. dolphin military program. For many dolphins, the G.I. Bill is the only way they can afford college."

    George Goff Auto Mechanic
  • "As someone who wore a T-shirt with a dolphin on it almost every day in fourth grade, I find this development troubling. My nickname in school was 'fishshirt.'"

    Dorothea Klapp Graphic Designer
  • "I gave up canned tuna for the dolphins, and now they're just blowing them to shit?"

    Melvin Adams Electrician
  • "Sure, they'll tell you about the success of the Navy dolphins, but will they tell you about the 10,000-dolphin protest in Chicago last weekend?"

    Eleanor Reese Painter
  • "This is the military. We should be amazed they're not using baby chicks."

    Dan Mora Civil Engineer
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