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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Donna Summer Dead

Donna Summer, singer of such disco anthems as "Last Dance" and "Love To Love You Baby," died at the age of 63. What do you think?

  • “I'd prefer being alone with my thoughts. I will post a statement later. I'm triangulating for the sweet spot of heartfelt and most-retweetable.”

    Rebecca Chauvin Unemployed
  • "At least I got to see her perform live once. I just wished I hadn't booed the entire time now."

    Lee McCormick Hands Assembler
  • “Now it's all up to Robin Gibb to keep living.”

    Miles Nero Systems Analyst

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