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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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Doritos Creator Dies

Arch West, the Frito-Lay marketing executive credited with inventing the Dorito snack chip, died at 97. What do you think?

  • "Dammit. It’s getting harder and harder by the day for a girl to snare a snack pioneer."

    Darcy Roach Brush Finisher
  • “To make it to 97 I’m guessing he erred more on the side of Doritos-creating than Doritos-consuming.”

    Torrens Layaway Clerk
  • "I bet that guy's car was a complete mess all the time."

    Pete Decoutere Systems Analyst
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