Dow Jones Index Reaches Record High

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Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

Dow Jones Index Reaches Record High

Despite the sluggish recovery and the federal government’s sequestration budget cuts, the Dow Jones industrial average closed at 14,253.77 points yesterday, the highest level ever, surpassing the previous record set in October 2007 before the financial collapse. What do you think?

  • “Take that, Nasdaq!”

    Francesco Grimaldi
    Gunsmith
  • “They should go ahead and just ring the shit out of that bell all day today."

    Kevin Werhsler
    Motorcycle Tester
  • “Let’s not get too excited. I’d like to see it up to at least 14,253.92 before anyone starts breaking out the champagne.”

    Katia Van Viersen
    Glass Tinter