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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Dow Jones Index Reaches Record High

Despite the sluggish recovery and the federal government’s sequestration budget cuts, the Dow Jones industrial average closed at 14,253.77 points yesterday, the highest level ever, surpassing the previous record set in October 2007 before the financial collapse. What do you think?

  • “Take that, Nasdaq!”

    Francesco Grimaldi Gunsmith
  • “They should go ahead and just ring the shit out of that bell all day today."

    Kevin Werhsler Motorcycle Tester
  • “Let’s not get too excited. I’d like to see it up to at least 14,253.92 before anyone starts breaking out the champagne.”

    Katia Van Viersen Glass Tinter

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