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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Drilling For Oil In Alaska

Seeking to decrease U.S. dependence on Iraqi oil, Senate Republicans want to open Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for drilling. What do you think?
  • "It'd be nice if we lived in some magical fantasy world where we could get energy from the sun and the wind, but we need to deal with reality."

    Daniel Mendoza Systems Analyst
  • "America needs to reduce its overall oil consumption, but I can't bring myself to ride the bus with a bunch of puds. So Arctic drilling it is."

    Tim Wills Machinist
  • "How much oil is in one of those seals, anyway?"

    Vincent Putnam Delivery Driver
  • "If I didn't know better, I'd say some oil man stands to make billions on this. Say, the president used to be in the oil business! Maybe he could help us sniff out the culprit!"

    Christine Sample Nurse
  • "If drilling kills off the refuge's indigenous wildlife, that'll give us a nice head start on the next generation of fossil fuels."

    Gene Oliver Real-Estate Agent
  • "We might as well use that oil. If we don't, our children will."

    Diane Bell Architect
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