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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Drinking Diet Soda Linked To Eating More

A study found that overweight individuals who drink diet soda eat more food than regular soda drinkers, with both groups consuming roughly the same number of total calories, as the artificial sweeteners in diet soda prevent the brain from feeling that hunger has been sated. What do you think?

  • “That’s perfect, because people need to eat food to live.”

    Lydia Perbandt Assistant Kindergarten Instructor
  • “But then how do you lose weight if not through soda?”

    Richard Pye Fabric Dyer
  • “I’ve always gotten around that problem by spooning some sugar into my diet soda.”

    Steven Tongeren Right-Of-Way Supervisor

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