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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Drinking Diet Soda Linked To Eating More

A study found that overweight individuals who drink diet soda eat more food than regular soda drinkers, with both groups consuming roughly the same number of total calories, as the artificial sweeteners in diet soda prevent the brain from feeling that hunger has been sated. What do you think?

  • “That’s perfect, because people need to eat food to live.”

    Lydia Perbandt Assistant Kindergarten Instructor
  • “But then how do you lose weight if not through soda?”

    Richard Pye Fabric Dyer
  • “I’ve always gotten around that problem by spooning some sugar into my diet soda.”

    Steven Tongeren Right-Of-Way Supervisor

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