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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Drone Blimps To Protect Washington, D.C.

Within the next year, two 242-foot-long, $2.7 billion helium blimps will be deployed into the skies above Washington, D.C., using advanced radar and computer processing to detect any incoming missiles or other threats headed for the nation’s capital. What do you think?

  • “I can’t wait to show them to my kids and explain how safe, rather than terrified, they should feel.”

    Penny Gambetta Armored Car Driver
  • “Two blimps times 242 feet and $2.7 billion…yeah, the numbers check out.”

    Christophe Frederick Motorcycle Racer
  • “And to think that up until now we had to rely on the most expensive missile defense system known to man.”

    Grant Zargarpour Relief Map Modeler

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