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Drone Blimps To Protect Washington, D.C.

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Drone Blimps To Protect Washington, D.C.

Within the next year, two 242-foot-long, $2.7 billion helium blimps will be deployed into the skies above Washington, D.C., using advanced radar and computer processing to detect any incoming missiles or other threats headed for the nation’s capital. What do you think?

  • “I can’t wait to show them to my kids and explain how safe, rather than terrified, they should feel.”

    Penny Gambetta Armored Car Driver
  • “Two blimps times 242 feet and $2.7 billion…yeah, the numbers check out.”

    Christophe Frederick Motorcycle Racer
  • “And to think that up until now we had to rely on the most expensive missile defense system known to man.”

    Grant Zargarpour Relief Map Modeler

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