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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Drug-Resistant Staph Widespread

A study from the Centers for Disease Control found that potentially deadly drug-resistant staph infections were more prevalent than originally believed. What do you think?
  • "Yeah, well, I bet they're not fist-resistant."

    JoAnn Ways Systems Analyst
  • "If things keep going the way they're going, I might actually get to blast a zombie with a shotgun."

    Jason Weintraub Deli Clerk
  • "And you don't even get to have sex with the person in order to catch this disease? Sometimes I really hate nature."

    Ralph Barnes Consultant

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