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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Drunken Gibson Offends Cops

After being pulled over, actor Mel Gibson went on a drunken tirade in which he blamed the Jews for being the cause of all the wars and referred to a female officer as "Sugar Tits." What do you think?
  • "I'm grateful to him. During my DWI arrest a couple years ago, I didn't have the guts to tell the truth about Israel."

    Nancy Smith Publicist
  • "In typical fashion, the media is trying to sensationalize this relatively tame incident. You name me one person in your workplace who hasn't called someone Sugar Tits."

    Ving Daives Mortician
  • "See the lesson here? Never let a Jew get you drunk."

    Andrei Todman Astrophysics Professor

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