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'Duke Nukem Forever' Finally Released

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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'Duke Nukem Forever' Finally Released

After more than 13 years in development, the latest installment in the Duke Nukem series of first-person shooter video games was released Tuesday. What do you think?

  • "Susan is not a fan. Susan is more into third-person shooters. If you catch Susan's drift."

    Susan Corrigan Systems Analyst
  • "Looks like I can tell my grandfather he can finally die now."

    Bob Farmer Bag Sewer
  • "In middle school I was so excited at the promise of seeing three-dimensional boobs, but now that I'm grown up, I can get that by playing Grand Theft Auto."

    Craig Pistel Leader Tier

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