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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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'Duke Nukem Forever' Finally Released

After more than 13 years in development, the latest installment in the Duke Nukem series of first-person shooter video games was released Tuesday. What do you think?

  • "Susan is not a fan. Susan is more into third-person shooters. If you catch Susan's drift."

    Susan Corrigan Systems Analyst
  • "Looks like I can tell my grandfather he can finally die now."

    Bob Farmer Bag Sewer
  • "In middle school I was so excited at the promise of seeing three-dimensional boobs, but now that I'm grown up, I can get that by playing Grand Theft Auto."

    Craig Pistel Leader Tier

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