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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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'Duke Nukem Forever' Finally Released

After more than 13 years in development, the latest installment in the Duke Nukem series of first-person shooter video games was released Tuesday. What do you think?

  • "Susan is not a fan. Susan is more into third-person shooters. If you catch Susan's drift."

    Susan Corrigan Systems Analyst
  • "Looks like I can tell my grandfather he can finally die now."

    Bob Farmer Bag Sewer
  • "In middle school I was so excited at the promise of seeing three-dimensional boobs, but now that I'm grown up, I can get that by playing Grand Theft Auto."

    Craig Pistel Leader Tier

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