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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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'Dumb Starbucks’ Opens In Downtown L.A.

A mysterious new coffee shop opened in Los Angeles this weekend calling itself “Dumb Starbucks,” drawing hordes of curious customers who were told the café is a functional coffee shop legally classified as an art gallery in order to avoid violating Starbucks’ copyright. What do you think?

  • “The height of artistic expression is calling things dumb.”

    Amy Goode Systems Analyst
  • “You mean all you have to do to steal something is put the word ‘dumb’ in front of it?”

    Matthew Adams Bakery Assistant
  • “Oh, I get it!”

    Tony O’Donovan Furniture Restorer
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