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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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'Dumb Starbucks’ Opens In Downtown L.A.

A mysterious new coffee shop opened in Los Angeles this weekend calling itself “Dumb Starbucks,” drawing hordes of curious customers who were told the café is a functional coffee shop legally classified as an art gallery in order to avoid violating Starbucks’ copyright. What do you think?

  • “The height of artistic expression is calling things dumb.”

    Amy Goode Systems Analyst
  • “You mean all you have to do to steal something is put the word ‘dumb’ in front of it?”

    Matthew Adams Bakery Assistant
  • “Oh, I get it!”

    Tony O’Donovan Furniture Restorer

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