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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Dungeons & Dragons Creator Dies

Dungeons & Dragons creator Gary Gygax died this week. What do you think?
  • "I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that thousands of Americans owe their fictional lives to that man."

    Tom Sutherland Chain Link Fence Installer
  • "I can react 12 different ways to this news, but I just don't know how to decide."

    Kyle Trampier Tailor
  • "Oh, that's sad. I wasn't aware Mr. Gygax was unwell. I'm genuinely sorry for your loss, pussies and faggots."

    Karen Wells Makeup Artist
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