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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Dunkin' Donuts Employee Busted For Prostitution

Following a six-week investigation, a New Jersey Dunkin’ Donuts cashier was arrested for propositioning customers for sex. What do you think?

  • "Call me a snob, but the sex is way better at Starbucks."

    Matt Fisk Label Coder
  • "Oh, so that explains why every time I ask for a Coolatta at a different location they just hand me some kind of frozen-fruit crap."

    Peter Endino Filter Tender
  • "Cool! I can't afford either thing she was selling!"

    Sue Burgess Unemployed

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