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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.
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Dylan, Albright, Morrison Receive Medal Of Freedom

President Obama honored 13 recipients, including former secretary of state Madeleine Albright, singer Bob Dylan, author Toni Morrison, and astronaut John Glenn, with the Medal of Freedom. What do you think?

  • “This is just an honorary medal, though, right? He’s not really going to let these guys go free, is he?”

    Jenny Mitchell Unemployed
  • “I would’ve picked former secretary of state George Shultz, singer Donovan, author Alice Walker, and astronaut Scott Carpenter, but okay."

    Kevin Henry Brake Adjuster
  • “This could really jump-start sales of John Glenn’s back catalog.”

    Lars Bacmeister Fabrication Examiner
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