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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Dylan, Albright, Morrison Receive Medal Of Freedom

President Obama honored 13 recipients, including former secretary of state Madeleine Albright, singer Bob Dylan, author Toni Morrison, and astronaut John Glenn, with the Medal of Freedom. What do you think?

  • “This is just an honorary medal, though, right? He’s not really going to let these guys go free, is he?”

    Jenny Mitchell Unemployed
  • “I would’ve picked former secretary of state George Shultz, singer Donovan, author Alice Walker, and astronaut Scott Carpenter, but okay."

    Kevin Henry Brake Adjuster
  • “This could really jump-start sales of John Glenn’s back catalog.”

    Lars Bacmeister Fabrication Examiner

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