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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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E-Cigarettes Banned From Commercial Flights

The Department of Transportation announced that the rule banning cigarettes, pipes, and tobacco products on commercial flights will now also encompass the use of e-cigarettes. What do you think?

  • “Sometimes I suspect the government doesn’t even want me to look cool.”

    Don Kimble Parrot Researcher
  • “How else am I supposed to fill a small, enclosed public space with the scent of synthetic butterscotch?”

    Anna Mudgren Parchment Roller
  • “I miss the halcyon days of air travel when the stewardesses would light you a smoke and quietly tolerate your sexual harassment.”

    Lou Hess Divot Filler

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