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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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E-Cigarettes Banned From Commercial Flights

The Department of Transportation announced that the rule banning cigarettes, pipes, and tobacco products on commercial flights will now also encompass the use of e-cigarettes. What do you think?

  • “Sometimes I suspect the government doesn’t even want me to look cool.”

    Don Kimble Parrot Researcher
  • “How else am I supposed to fill a small, enclosed public space with the scent of synthetic butterscotch?”

    Anna Mudgren Parchment Roller
  • “I miss the halcyon days of air travel when the stewardesses would light you a smoke and quietly tolerate your sexual harassment.”

    Lou Hess Divot Filler

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