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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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E-Cigarettes Banned From Commercial Flights

The Department of Transportation announced that the rule banning cigarettes, pipes, and tobacco products on commercial flights will now also encompass the use of e-cigarettes. What do you think?

  • “Sometimes I suspect the government doesn’t even want me to look cool.”

    Don Kimble Parrot Researcher
  • “How else am I supposed to fill a small, enclosed public space with the scent of synthetic butterscotch?”

    Anna Mudgren Parchment Roller
  • “I miss the halcyon days of air travel when the stewardesses would light you a smoke and quietly tolerate your sexual harassment.”

    Lou Hess Divot Filler

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