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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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E. Coli At Taco Bell

At least 65 people in New York and New Jersey have fallen ill after eating at Taco Bell restaurants. What do you think?
  • "This will make me think twice about eating at the most disgusting fast-food chain in America."

    Liam O'Shaunessy Train Conductor
  • "It's a good thing the outbreak appears to be over. If I don't eat a Gordita Supreme at least once a day, I get pretty antsy."

    Greg Staples Mail Center Clerk
  • "Perhaps those customers actually ordered E. Coli. The menus can be so confusing at foreign restaurants."

    Emily Toomey Point Tucker

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