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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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E. Coli At Taco Bell

At least 65 people in New York and New Jersey have fallen ill after eating at Taco Bell restaurants. What do you think?
  • "This will make me think twice about eating at the most disgusting fast-food chain in America."

    Liam O'Shaunessy Train Conductor
  • "It's a good thing the outbreak appears to be over. If I don't eat a Gordita Supreme at least once a day, I get pretty antsy."

    Greg Staples Mail Center Clerk
  • "Perhaps those customers actually ordered E. Coli. The menus can be so confusing at foreign restaurants."

    Emily Toomey Point Tucker

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