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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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E. Coli At Taco Bell

At least 65 people in New York and New Jersey have fallen ill after eating at Taco Bell restaurants. What do you think?
  • "This will make me think twice about eating at the most disgusting fast-food chain in America."

    Liam O'Shaunessy Train Conductor
  • "It's a good thing the outbreak appears to be over. If I don't eat a Gordita Supreme at least once a day, I get pretty antsy."

    Greg Staples Mail Center Clerk
  • "Perhaps those customers actually ordered E. Coli. The menus can be so confusing at foreign restaurants."

    Emily Toomey Point Tucker
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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