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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Earliest Americans' Traces Found In Texas

Stone tools recently uncovered in a Texas creek valley were found to be 15,500 years old, making them the earliest known artifacts of what may have been the very first Americans. What do you think?

  • "That same county also boasts traces of the very latest Americans."

    Nathaniel Albarn Jigsaw Operator
  • "Well, at least they haven't named them yet, which means my tattoo is easily fixable."

    Jane Hewlett Looper
  • "I'm just afraid this news is going to give Texans the impression that they’re somehow superior to everyone else."

    Ben Nakamura Systems Analyst

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