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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Earliest Birds Had Four Wings

According to fossil analysis by Chinese scientists, some of the world’s first birds, which lived 150 to 100 million years ago, used feathered hind limbs as an additional set of wings and appear to have flown in a manner similar to biplanes. What do you think?

  • “That sounds so badass. Unless it flapped all four wings. Then it’s pretty dorky.”

    Micky Cobley Woodenware Assembler
  • “Wow! I can’t wait to see birds of the future with just one wing!”

    Francisco Faccio Furnace Cleaner
  • “Yeah, right. ‘Chinese scientists'."

    Samantha Tindall Pearl Restorer

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