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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Earliest Birds Had Four Wings

According to fossil analysis by Chinese scientists, some of the world’s first birds, which lived 150 to 100 million years ago, used feathered hind limbs as an additional set of wings and appear to have flown in a manner similar to biplanes. What do you think?

  • “That sounds so badass. Unless it flapped all four wings. Then it’s pretty dorky.”

    Micky Cobley Woodenware Assembler
  • “Wow! I can’t wait to see birds of the future with just one wing!”

    Francisco Faccio Furnace Cleaner
  • “Yeah, right. ‘Chinese scientists'."

    Samantha Tindall Pearl Restorer

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