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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Early Marijuana Use Increases Psychosis Risk

A study by the Queensland Brain Institute in Australia showed that young adults who had smoked marijuana for at least six years were twice as likely to suffer delusions, hallucinations, or psychotic episodes. What do you think?

  • "That's a shame. I was really hoping marijuana would be the one mind-altering drug that you could chronically use for several years without it seriously altering your mind."

    Jessica Brodsky Systems Analyst
  • "To really prove this theory, they need to do a comparable study where they give free pot for six years to people on the 1200 block of East Burleigh in Milwaukee."

    Pete Alexander Aligning Checker
  • "Yeah, but you don't hear any of those stoners complaining, do you? I mean, have you ever heard a complaining stoner? Is that something that even exists? A complaining stoner, I'm talking about. Because if stoners don't do one thing, it is not not complaining."

    George Ludovico Cooper
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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