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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Early Marijuana Use Increases Psychosis Risk

A study by the Queensland Brain Institute in Australia showed that young adults who had smoked marijuana for at least six years were twice as likely to suffer delusions, hallucinations, or psychotic episodes. What do you think?

  • "That's a shame. I was really hoping marijuana would be the one mind-altering drug that you could chronically use for several years without it seriously altering your mind."

    Jessica Brodsky Systems Analyst
  • "To really prove this theory, they need to do a comparable study where they give free pot for six years to people on the 1200 block of East Burleigh in Milwaukee."

    Pete Alexander Aligning Checker
  • "Yeah, but you don't hear any of those stoners complaining, do you? I mean, have you ever heard a complaining stoner? Is that something that even exists? A complaining stoner, I'm talking about. Because if stoners don't do one thing, it is not not complaining."

    George Ludovico Cooper

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