Earthquake Rattles New England

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Earthquake Rattles New England

A rare 4.0 earthquake centered in Maine shook much of New England, including the Boston metro area, for several seconds yesterday evening, though no reports of damage were recorded. What do you think?

  • “Oh my God, I hope Stephen King is okay!”

    A.J. Ahi
    Systems Analyst
  • “I bet those eggheads at MIT were crying out ‘Oh, no, we know exactly what’s happening,’ like a bunch of scared idiots.”

    Richard Masoner
    Lacquerer
  • “With all that’s been going on in the world, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was just God’s way of telling us there is some slight geological instability in the earth’s crust in that particular region.”

    Tamara Furia
    Greeting Card Editor