Earthquake Rattles New England

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Earthquake Rattles New England

A rare 4.0 earthquake centered in Maine shook much of New England, including the Boston metro area, for several seconds yesterday evening, though no reports of damage were recorded. What do you think?

  • “Oh my God, I hope Stephen King is okay!”

    A.J. Ahi
    Systems Analyst
  • “I bet those eggheads at MIT were crying out ‘Oh, no, we know exactly what’s happening,’ like a bunch of scared idiots.”

    Richard Masoner
    Lacquerer
  • “With all that’s been going on in the world, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was just God’s way of telling us there is some slight geological instability in the earth’s crust in that particular region.”

    Tamara Furia
    Greeting Card Editor
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