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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Earthquake Rattles New England

A rare 4.0 earthquake centered in Maine shook much of New England, including the Boston metro area, for several seconds yesterday evening, though no reports of damage were recorded. What do you think?

  • “Oh my God, I hope Stephen King is okay!”

    A.J. Ahi Systems Analyst
  • “I bet those eggheads at MIT were crying out ‘Oh, no, we know exactly what’s happening,’ like a bunch of scared idiots.”

    Richard Masoner Lacquerer
  • “With all that’s been going on in the world, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was just God’s way of telling us there is some slight geological instability in the earth’s crust in that particular region.”

    Tamara Furia Greeting Card Editor

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