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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Earth's Moon Shrinking

Recent analysis of the moon showed geographic features indicating that earth's only natural satellite is gradually contracting. What do you think?

  • "C'mon, what are these guys, stupid? It'll grow back. It does every month."

    Bill Gira Hand Knotter
  • "See? Everyone laughed at me when I mentioned how the moon looked smaller the other night. But who's laughing now?"

    Lindsey Westberg Machine Adjuster
  • "While its nemesis, Phobos, grows ever stronger."

    Steve Hahn Unemployed

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