Earth's Moon Shrinking

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Vol 46 Issue 34

AFC South

Jacksonville Jaguars Strength: With stalwart Aaron Kampman at defensive end, opponents will be forced to throw the ball at the Jaguar's weak secondary or run it through the soft middle of their line Weakness: Quarterback controversy between Luke McCown a...

AFC North

Now that the NFL season is upon us, staying informed is more important than ever. This in-depth Onion Sports guide places all the vital information about this years' teams at your fingertips. Don't watch a single game without this useful tool!

New WNBA Promotion Lets First 100 Fans Leave Early

NEW YORK—In an effort to increase attendance and reward the league's fans, WNBA president Donna Orender announced Wednesday that the first 100 ticket holders to arrive at the conference semifinal games would be allowed to leave extra early.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Earth's Moon Shrinking

Recent analysis of the moon showed geographic features indicating that earth's only natural satellite is gradually contracting. What do you think?

  • "C'mon, what are these guys, stupid? It'll grow back. It does every month."

    Bill Gira
    Hand Knotter
  • "See? Everyone laughed at me when I mentioned how the moon looked smaller the other night. But who's laughing now?"

    Lindsey Westberg
    Machine Adjuster
  • "While its nemesis, Phobos, grows ever stronger."

    Steve Hahn
    Unemployed
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