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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Ebola Reaches Ugandan Capital

With 16 confirmed dead from the latest outbreak of Ebola in Uganda, including at least one fatality in the nation’s capital of Kampala, officials are urging citizens to help stem the spread of the highly lethal disease by not shaking hands or having casual sex. What do you think?

  • “Every 20 years I plan a trip to Uganda, and every 20 years, boom, Ebola."

    Marguerite Heutschly Magnetic Tape Winder
  • “If they think that’s bad, they should see every other thing happening in Uganda.”

    Howard Striglos Vinegar Maker
  • “My thoughts go out to all those unable to have casual sex.”

    Herb Thompson Systems Analyst

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