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Edward Snowden Granted Asylum In Russia

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Edward Snowden Granted Asylum In Russia

The Russian government today granted temporary asylum to Edward Snowden, allowing him to leave Moscow’s Sheremetyevo Airport, where he has been staying for more than five weeks, and live freely within Russia for one year. What do you think?

  • “Ugh. I hate moving!”

    Cynthia Dalva Unemployed
  • “I hope this doesn’t affect the longstanding warm, trusting partnership we have with Russia.”

    Alec Foy Stent Manufacturer
  • “You can’t be granted asylum in Russia without visiting Saint Basil’s Cathedral!”

    Scott Snetsinger Candy Wholesaler

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