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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Edward Snowden Seeks Asylum In Ecuador

After fleeing Hong Kong, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden arrived in Moscow, where he is seeking asylum from the government of Ecuador, the same nation that has sheltered Wikileaks founder Julian Assange in its London embassy for over a year. What do you think?

  • “What about Roman Polanski’s house? Couldn’t the dude go there?”

    Sid Campbell Systems Analyst
  • “He should take a tour of the Galápagos Islands—spectacular!”

    Mario Henriques Urban Planner
  • “Assange will totally be the Felix to Snowden’s Oscar.”

    Laura O’Quinn Elephant Keeper

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