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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Edward Snowden Seeks Asylum In Ecuador

After fleeing Hong Kong, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden arrived in Moscow, where he is seeking asylum from the government of Ecuador, the same nation that has sheltered Wikileaks founder Julian Assange in its London embassy for over a year. What do you think?

  • “What about Roman Polanski’s house? Couldn’t the dude go there?”

    Sid Campbell Systems Analyst
  • “He should take a tour of the Galápagos Islands—spectacular!”

    Mario Henriques Urban Planner
  • “Assange will totally be the Felix to Snowden’s Oscar.”

    Laura O’Quinn Elephant Keeper
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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