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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Edward Snowden Speaks At SXSW

Appearing over streaming video from an undisclosed location in Russia, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden spoke at the South By Southwest Interactive Festival yesterday as part of a panel hosted by the ACLU. What do you think?

  • “Ah man, I was hoping to see some up-and-coming whistleblowers."

    Milo Baumgartner Unemployed
  • "Bold move by Snowden—But is it bold enough for SXSW's group of innovators, game-changers, and movers and shakers?"

    Christian Dampf Fuse Inspector
  • "He was alright, but I preferred Dum Dum Girls."

    Rachel O’Bannon Camera Specialist

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