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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Elderly Woman Unknowingly Lived With 20,000 Bees

Saying she didn’t notice any buzzing or see any bees flying around outside, a 98-year-old Florida woman was shocked to discover more than 20,000 bees living in her attic, as well as numerous rats and squirrels that had been attracted by the large amounts of honey. What do you think?

  • “Getting old is quite the adventure.”

    Elton Schiff Lathe Operator
  • “So that’s where all the bees went!”

    Gustavo Lombardo Sluice Tender
  • “If you think about it, aren’t we all unknowingly living with 20,000 bees?”

    Cybil Schmook Prune Washer

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