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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Electrically Stimulating Brain May Improve Math Skills

According to a new study, individuals who struggle with mathematics saw a notable increase in their ability to learn and retain arithmetic concepts when a mild current was sent into their brains by a pair of electrodes. What do you think?

  • “Finally, a practical solution to the inconvenience of using a calculator.”

    Gus Agnew Overlay Plastician
  • “So, first you get your brain shocked, then you get to take a math test? Where can I sign up for this study?”

    Leon Tapsfield Kennel Attendant
  • “I’m not surprised. Everyone on the math team knows Archie Pendleton’s been ’troding for years.”

    Emma Wyatt-Pike Locket Maker

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