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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Elephant Poaching Up Dramatically

According to recent reports from advocacy groups, elephants in central Africa are being slaughtered at rates unseen since the 1980s, with ivory prices skyrocketing due to increased demand from emerging Asian nations, most notably China. What do you think?

  • “I say it’s the elephants’ own damn fault, always flaunting their tusks, right there on their faces.”

    Braden Stys Kennel Attendant
  • “Yeah, if you’re not a careful shopper, there’s ivory in pretty much everything you buy.”

    Daren Trisler Hemodialysis Technician
  • “I think we need more safe places for elephants, like the circus.”

    Megan Hemperly Gravel Inspector

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