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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Elephant Poaching Up Dramatically

According to recent reports from advocacy groups, elephants in central Africa are being slaughtered at rates unseen since the 1980s, with ivory prices skyrocketing due to increased demand from emerging Asian nations, most notably China. What do you think?

  • “I say it’s the elephants’ own damn fault, always flaunting their tusks, right there on their faces.”

    Braden Stys Kennel Attendant
  • “Yeah, if you’re not a careful shopper, there’s ivory in pretty much everything you buy.”

    Daren Trisler Hemodialysis Technician
  • “I think we need more safe places for elephants, like the circus.”

    Megan Hemperly Gravel Inspector

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