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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Elephants Can Distinguish Human Voices By Age, Ethnicity

According to a new study, elephants can discern people of different ages, sexes, and ethnic groups based on the humans’ voices, a skill researchers say helps the animals remember threatening groups. What do you think?

  • “Big deal. I can pick out people of different ethnicities just by looking at them.”

    Lucille Flaherty Production Accountant
  • “As cool as that is, I’d advise them to just go ahead and bolt at the sound of any human voice.”

    Scott Breuninger Standardized Test Proctor
  • “Those big flappy ears can do anything.”

    Jeffrey Nicholson Cable Box Repairer
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