Eliminating Stock-Dividend Taxes

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Vol 39 Issue 02

Bored Assistant Principal Browses Through Confiscated Items

INDEPENDENCE, MO—Unable to find anything else to do, bored Harry S Truman Middle School assistant principal William Podrewski rifled through the school's box of confiscated items Monday, searching for anything of interest. "Lots of cherry bombs in here," the 51-year-old Podrewski mused while sifting through the box, coming across a butterfly knife, a packet of raisins, and a Puddle Of Mudd CD. "Man, when I was a kid, I would have gotten seriously horse-whipped for having some of this stuff." Podrewski eventually settled on a faded March 1974 issue of Oui magazine.

Business Traveler Closes Mini-Bar

CHARLOTTE, NC—After a long day of meetings and seminars, business traveler Patrick Hodge stayed up late Monday, closing the mini-bar in room 1815 of the Charlotte Marriott. "I'm usually a two-martini-then-hit-the-sack kind of guy," Hodge said. "But I was really wound up, and they had lots of those little bottles of my favorite liquors, so I said, 'What the hey?'" After closing down the mini-bar, Hodge staggered to the hotel's vending machine to beat the 3 a.m. "after-mini-bar rush."

Track Winnings Reinvested In Blackjack Futures

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—Seeking to grow his financial assets, Piscataway, NJ, gambler Richard Pasquale shrewdly reinvested his $2,432 trifecta win in the third race at Belmont Park in high-yield blackjack futures Monday. "The thoroughbred game is so vulnerable to track fluctuations, I thought it would be better to transfer my funds into a more proven money-maker, one with a tremendous upside," said Pasquale, speaking from the blackjack pit at Harrah's Atlantic City casino. "Plus, I got a feeling I'm headed for a hot streak." He then instructed his dealer to hit him.

Area Man Proud Of Blood Type

RADCLIFFE, IA—Despite its being the uncontrollable product of genetics and chance, Phil Schroeder's blood type is a frequent source of pride for the 26-year-old graphic designer. "I'm B-negative," said Schroeder, expecting to get a big reaction from coworker Mindy Tremont. "That's the second most rare after AB-negative." Schroeder, who has been known to high-five fellow B-negatives, went on to tell Tremont that individuals with Type B are said to be creative and excitable, prompting her to murmur, "Wow."

Skeptic Pitied

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Craig Schaffner, 46, a Fayetteville-area computer consultant, has earned the pity of friends and acquaintances for his tragic reluctance to embrace the unverifiable, sources reported Monday.
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Eliminating Stock-Dividend Taxes

As part of his tax-cut plan, President Bush has proposed abolishing taxes on stock dividends—a move critics say primarily benefits the rich. What do you think?
  • "Oh, thank God. I've dreamed of sending my child to college, but those dividend taxes were eating me alive."

    Marc Vargas
    Roofer
  • "A tax cut? With war looming and a projected federal budget deficit? Does Bush know the U.S. can't borrow from its dad?"

    Ben Graham
    Systems Analyst
  • "As a cash-fattened plutocrat, I require no more money. So to our president I say 'No, thank you' to these tax cuts."

    Irwin Edwards
    Industrialist
  • "Maybe this will inspire America's poor to not be so poor all the time."

    Linda Oberst
    Teacher
  • "What's the problem here? If taxes are cut for the rich, that means they'll be able to tip more. There's just no pleasing some people."

    Marla Robichaud
    Dentist
  • "It makes sense. Those people making money on stock dividends didn't do any work, so why should they have to pay any taxes?"

    Sam Hopkins
    File Clerk
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