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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Elmo Puppeteer Resigns Amid Sex Scandal

Kevin Clash, who served for 28 years as the puppeteer and voice of the popular Sesame Street character Elmo, resigned yesterday amid allegations that he engaged in sexual relationships with two teenage boys. What do you think?

  • “Are they going to actually do something or just transfer him to another puppet?”

    Paige Hauser Gum Mixer
  • “This is going to be a tough one to explain to my two-year-old, but here goes.”

    Shin Jae Suk Systems Analyst
  • “Jeff Dunham would never, never do something like this.”

    Wayne Fucile Bail Bondsman

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