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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Elmo Puppeteer Resigns Amid Sex Scandal

Kevin Clash, who served for 28 years as the puppeteer and voice of the popular Sesame Street character Elmo, resigned yesterday amid allegations that he engaged in sexual relationships with two teenage boys. What do you think?

  • “Are they going to actually do something or just transfer him to another puppet?”

    Paige Hauser Gum Mixer
  • “This is going to be a tough one to explain to my two-year-old, but here goes.”

    Shin Jae Suk Systems Analyst
  • “Jeff Dunham would never, never do something like this.”

    Wayne Fucile Bail Bondsman
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