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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Embattled Tom Delay

In recent weeks, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has come under increasing fire from a number of important media and political figures. What do you think?
  • "I heard Tom DeLay's blood was in the water and the sharks were circling him, but unfortunately, it turned out to be a metaphor."

    Colleen Bowers Systems Analyst
  • "There's a big difference between the letter of the law and the spirit of the law. Sure, he broke both, but there's a big difference."

    Don Figueroa Tile Setter
  • "Enough is enough. DeLay should do the honorable thing: take all the money he's cheated out of the American people, buy himself a nice mansion, and retire."

    Andre Carson Teller
  • "Tom DeLay is an inspiration. His example has given me hope that my ethics violations will go ignored for years, as well."

    James Henson Graphic Designer
  • "Oh, come on. Like nobody in Congress has ever built a career out of borderline-illegal financial impropriety before. Grow up."

    Zachary Hardin Therapist
  • "I'm telling you, if Tom DeLay would come out and say, 'Screw it, I'm just in it for the cash and the bitches,' his popularity would skyrocket. At the very least, he'd be in a Kid Rock video."

    Tanya Wilkinson Lab Assistant

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